phosho

my ball an chain has gotten me down again,
i feel a social connect like nothing i've ever known.
she's running on a fault line and it's got my blood calm,


wishing i could stop thinking about that rock star. the one who has it all and no room to see my face in any real light. i hate myself and i want to die isn't really that great of a song title. if you think about it.

forgetting about this dude. the rocket man. the rock n roll maniac.

i see a girl, that i've always loved. since the day we met. and here she is. smiling and laughing at my stupid jokes.

my thoughts are so scattered i don't know where to start. i spend day and night wondering what this person is thinking about. i hate rejection more than breaking a bone. my 'friend' hurt my heart all week,

fuck it, black me out.

6 years on

I have so much to rant out of me. In form of poetry, music, nonsense and so on.
I don't think everyone directly on social media needs all that.
So back I am, here.

you can run all your life, but not go anywhere..

how can this be happening, again?
i'm four years older, things are different. yet here i am, same scene, same shit.
is because i'm listening to these songs again?
fuck sakes.
i get so infatuated with people, so quickly. am i giving myself away? do i seriously just give my heart up to people i make a strong connection with.. i don't feel right at all.
and my closest friends, are becoming familiar faces on my social networking life..how can it be?
i don't fucking know what to do with myself.. i'm fucking depressed, again...again and again and again.
this feeling, is rotting me out from the inside of my brain.
i feel like a double edged knife, or a bipolar thermostat, if that's even possible. i don't know if sleep will help me, or if it will even come to me right now. i've got this rage inside of me and i don't know where it's coming from.
i feel like i might snap..

please stop running back to the river

  i am heartbroken, and it's all my fault. what the hell am i thinking ? i can't do this.. it isn't right or fair. this hurts so much. and i did it all myself. . . well, directly it is my doing, but you've had your part in it as well. you do not care about me, in the least anymore. how can you be so fucking thoughtless. . . there is a reason i don't call you, because i am the one here alone. and you should at least make an effort. but you just do not care enough. and please do not tell me, then you do call. when you do, it is a pointless, nothingness, you aren't even there when you are talking. how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel ?
can you blame me ? you do not understand what it's like, to be alone. because you never are alone. i really hoped that you would come here to see me. . . but that was all just false hope. and i knew that, before i even moved to this fucking city. i just knew it, because that's the way you are. i know how you feel, so do not fucking lie to me about it. . . do not tell me it's all in my head, because it isn't. i am exhausted, i am worn out, and you make no attempts to even contact me. what are you doing with your life. please, let me know. you have so much potential, and you are just sitting on your ass, doing nothing. nothing nothing nothing. i am so angry i can't think straight. because i have been drinking. ohh ladeedahh, sound familiar at all ?
i don't know what the fuck to think. i do not feel anything. and i'm trapped in a god damn head game. with someone that doesn't deserve it. i hate myself tonight. i just hate myself.
did i break my own heart ? i don't think i was the only one involved. how the fuck can you be like this . . . how can you stop caring. . . i don't know, but soon i will stop caring about anyone. how can someone do this to you . . . without trying at all, but just doing, and not giving a fuck about it . . .
nothing is the same. everything is different. i don't fucking like this change.
please stop lying to me

somestimes it's better to just have the fantasy

have you ever felt you wanted something so bad. that you'd give up everything, just to get a taste of it?
and you work yourself up to that day. where you know it's all going to be yours for the taking,
but when you moment comes, you freeze. and you think it was the worst possible idea you've ever had.
how can that be? why does your brain, your heart, your everything do that to you !?
i don't know what to think or feel right now. i am confused and frustrated.
and i want to run away. and i want you to run away with me. but i don't know how that would go.
the more time i have to myself, to think and ponder the worse the ideas get.
ohhhhhhh the paranoia.

so i ask myself, one last time. is it better to just have the fantasy, or is it better to make your dreams a reality...

shut your mouth and open your eyes

I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Every time I quit...

fuck you. cause you did all this. you stopped this from working. and you started 
something new, that's gotten way out of your hands.
you really are useless aren't you. and the only place you have to go is here,
where no one will understand who YOU actually is.
cause that's just how i work i guess. it's easier to curse myself, and pretend that 
i'm talking about someone else. 
i'm so mad with myself right now. i don't want to be here, tonight, or tomorrow.
maybe ever?
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i'm so messed up right now. i am in shock, and i'm confused, so fucking lost.
i've got an idea. that i will make my future. but i've gotta clear this head full

of doubt. i can't let it bother me. it's no worth it, if it causes this much worry 
and stress. a huge fuck you to the both of you all the same. i don't need either of
you. but yet, i can't just stop thinking about you. is there any reason?
to keep fighting with myself? every night.  it's the same garbage.
and i hate drugs, but i wanna be so fucked up right now. that i can't feel my head
smashing into the window. i want to be blind. just for a night. so i don't have 

to see the mess i have created around myself.
why do you both deserve a fuck you? what have you done to me? i've done it all to 
myself. it's all the paranoia. i need to be stuck in the corner somewhere, where 
nothing important can get to me. where i can't get attached to anyone or anything.

maybe my life is just best left to go it alone. sure i'm lonely. but it's because
i am stuck. right now i am stuck. i have a responsibility. if i was here doing nothing,
i wouldn't feel lonely, or trapped.
but i must ask myself, why do i pour myself on the ground for someone else,
and then lose my mind when they don't respond in the same way?
why should i expect someone else to do the same, to show me who they really are,
just because i trust people so quickly? fuck. i wish for once i could just say no.
and stop being walked over. the ball needs to me in my court. or i need to find
a new playing field. because i am sick of being the bench warmer of life.
i get so confident, until i need to be. then it's all down hill, down the drain,
like it was never there. never to be found again.
you do that too me. you make me so excited, that i lose my mind when you're not
around.and no one needs somebody like that in their life.
fuck i just want to help you, and share all these things we've talked about.
BUT it's wrong. in every way of the word. i don't think we should be friends,
at all anymore. because i'm fucking up my head over you. i'm too attached to you,
and i know i'll just hurt you in the end. that's what i do best, let people down
and make them feel terrible. even though i give them my heart and soul.
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
i don't think i can stop right now. i wanna drive a car into a building. i wanna 
burn down a church. i want to spray paint over a master piece. i want to break my 
bones. i need to destroy something beautiful. i need to feel alive.
i am on over drive right now. it's not right. it's wrong.
just like you. this is wrong. i need to stop it now.

i need to leave, and never look back. and just go it alone from here on out.
it doesn't take much to get under my skin. and i want you out of my head.
tonight.it's over, as of tonight. so nice to know you and all, but this just isn't
fair for anyone involved. for anyone who isn't involved. for anyone ever ever ever.
sorry if this hurts, but it's better to get it out of the way now, while we still
can. 

is this the end, or just the start, of something beautiful.

You will probably encounter a bit of opposition along with today's planetary energies, %. Even those who are usually right behind you will seem uncooperative. Try not to let this faze you too much. Resolve to follow your own instincts and work alone if need be. Once you've had a chance to advance your ideas further along on your own, you can present them again.

well horoscope, you're fucking up my good mood for sure.
i had an awesome, deadly, wonderful time last night. i loved it and felt on top of the world.
but i really don't want to ramble about it right now. when i woke up, i wanted everyone to know how happy i was feeling.
now, i feel terrible.

i don't want to. today seems like my mood can change at the drop of a hat.
i feel like an idiot right now, this morning i was happy, 10 minutes ago i was giddy, then i was angry.
i wish i could just stay in one mood, with one train of thought. the trains are really going off the tracks today.
and i don't have anyone to talk to right now, i feel that my petty problems don't deserve the attention that their petty problems do.

Petty Problems - Defiance, Ohio

" In Columbus they were shopping on the first day, the first official day of war. It's so easy being oblivious, and it's easy being self-absorbed inside of 80 different stores and coffee shops. The whole world's not like yours. There are many kinds of problems, not all of them are like yours or mine. But I forget that all the time.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad.
Our petty problems we add them up and we dwell on them half of the day. Our petty problem we add them up and they always get in the way. Our petty problems, so American. So caught up in our own little worlds.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad. How Sad. "

my feelings exactly.
also, i'm listening to a musically terrible song. but the lyrics are clicking right into place with my day.
i wish i would stop writing songs about how i feel, and what i think and actually be able to express these thoughts to people. but no, i can't. i am afraid of any and every reaction from people to my thoughts. so i write songs and poems, with metaphors, as distractions from the truth that is in between the lines.
i don't want to say it, but i need somebody. anybody. to just reach into my head, and find it all, and not hurt me or hate me for any of it.
but i don't want to bother anyone with that.
and i already have! i'm hating on myself hardcore for it. i feel pathetic, immature, stupid, desperate. DESPERATE.
i need something, that no one in this life can give me. and i don't even know what it is, happiness, love, attention, affection, trust ? i have those things in my life, so that can't be it. i don't know what it is, it's driving me crazy.

Dear self, why do you do these things? Get in so deep, get so connected to another person, that may or may not even see the connection you are so focused on? Then self, you have to destroy it. End the connection, because you are so afraid. Why self, do you let people in then freak out once they begin to understand you? How self, is it that you have such destructive tendencies? Self, why don't you believe you deserve anything good in this life? Self, why do you do you create a world of confusion and saddness in your life? Oh self, please just start caring about her, when I say her, I mean you, I mean me.

is that why i have a panic attack when someone can't help me, because i wont ever straight out tell them what is wrong? i need to answer those questions in my life, or i will self-destruct. i've been my own worst enemy my whole life.
i've got so much more to say.
this is only part 1 of trying to stop one side of be from tearing down the other side.