is this the end, or just the start, of something beautiful.

You will probably encounter a bit of opposition along with today's planetary energies, %. Even those who are usually right behind you will seem uncooperative. Try not to let this faze you too much. Resolve to follow your own instincts and work alone if need be. Once you've had a chance to advance your ideas further along on your own, you can present them again.

well horoscope, you're fucking up my good mood for sure.
i had an awesome, deadly, wonderful time last night. i loved it and felt on top of the world.
but i really don't want to ramble about it right now. when i woke up, i wanted everyone to know how happy i was feeling.
now, i feel terrible.

i don't want to. today seems like my mood can change at the drop of a hat.
i feel like an idiot right now, this morning i was happy, 10 minutes ago i was giddy, then i was angry.
i wish i could just stay in one mood, with one train of thought. the trains are really going off the tracks today.
and i don't have anyone to talk to right now, i feel that my petty problems don't deserve the attention that their petty problems do.

Petty Problems - Defiance, Ohio

" In Columbus they were shopping on the first day, the first official day of war. It's so easy being oblivious, and it's easy being self-absorbed inside of 80 different stores and coffee shops. The whole world's not like yours. There are many kinds of problems, not all of them are like yours or mine. But I forget that all the time.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad.
Our petty problems we add them up and we dwell on them half of the day. Our petty problem we add them up and they always get in the way. Our petty problems, so American. So caught up in our own little worlds.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad. How Sad. "

my feelings exactly.
also, i'm listening to a musically terrible song. but the lyrics are clicking right into place with my day.
i wish i would stop writing songs about how i feel, and what i think and actually be able to express these thoughts to people. but no, i can't. i am afraid of any and every reaction from people to my thoughts. so i write songs and poems, with metaphors, as distractions from the truth that is in between the lines.
i don't want to say it, but i need somebody. anybody. to just reach into my head, and find it all, and not hurt me or hate me for any of it.
but i don't want to bother anyone with that.
and i already have! i'm hating on myself hardcore for it. i feel pathetic, immature, stupid, desperate. DESPERATE.
i need something, that no one in this life can give me. and i don't even know what it is, happiness, love, attention, affection, trust ? i have those things in my life, so that can't be it. i don't know what it is, it's driving me crazy.

Dear self, why do you do these things? Get in so deep, get so connected to another person, that may or may not even see the connection you are so focused on? Then self, you have to destroy it. End the connection, because you are so afraid. Why self, do you let people in then freak out once they begin to understand you? How self, is it that you have such destructive tendencies? Self, why don't you believe you deserve anything good in this life? Self, why do you do you create a world of confusion and saddness in your life? Oh self, please just start caring about her, when I say her, I mean you, I mean me.

is that why i have a panic attack when someone can't help me, because i wont ever straight out tell them what is wrong? i need to answer those questions in my life, or i will self-destruct. i've been my own worst enemy my whole life.
i've got so much more to say.
this is only part 1 of trying to stop one side of be from tearing down the other side.