please stop running back to the river

  i am heartbroken, and it's all my fault. what the hell am i thinking ? i can't do this.. it isn't right or fair. this hurts so much. and i did it all myself. . . well, directly it is my doing, but you've had your part in it as well. you do not care about me, in the least anymore. how can you be so fucking thoughtless. . . there is a reason i don't call you, because i am the one here alone. and you should at least make an effort. but you just do not care enough. and please do not tell me, then you do call. when you do, it is a pointless, nothingness, you aren't even there when you are talking. how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel ?
can you blame me ? you do not understand what it's like, to be alone. because you never are alone. i really hoped that you would come here to see me. . . but that was all just false hope. and i knew that, before i even moved to this fucking city. i just knew it, because that's the way you are. i know how you feel, so do not fucking lie to me about it. . . do not tell me it's all in my head, because it isn't. i am exhausted, i am worn out, and you make no attempts to even contact me. what are you doing with your life. please, let me know. you have so much potential, and you are just sitting on your ass, doing nothing. nothing nothing nothing. i am so angry i can't think straight. because i have been drinking. ohh ladeedahh, sound familiar at all ?
i don't know what the fuck to think. i do not feel anything. and i'm trapped in a god damn head game. with someone that doesn't deserve it. i hate myself tonight. i just hate myself.
did i break my own heart ? i don't think i was the only one involved. how the fuck can you be like this . . . how can you stop caring. . . i don't know, but soon i will stop caring about anyone. how can someone do this to you . . . without trying at all, but just doing, and not giving a fuck about it . . .
nothing is the same. everything is different. i don't fucking like this change.
please stop lying to me

somestimes it's better to just have the fantasy

have you ever felt you wanted something so bad. that you'd give up everything, just to get a taste of it?
and you work yourself up to that day. where you know it's all going to be yours for the taking,
but when you moment comes, you freeze. and you think it was the worst possible idea you've ever had.
how can that be? why does your brain, your heart, your everything do that to you !?
i don't know what to think or feel right now. i am confused and frustrated.
and i want to run away. and i want you to run away with me. but i don't know how that would go.
the more time i have to myself, to think and ponder the worse the ideas get.
ohhhhhhh the paranoia.

so i ask myself, one last time. is it better to just have the fantasy, or is it better to make your dreams a reality...

shut your mouth and open your eyes

I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Every time I quit...

fuck you. cause you did all this. you stopped this from working. and you started 
something new, that's gotten way out of your hands.
you really are useless aren't you. and the only place you have to go is here,
where no one will understand who YOU actually is.
cause that's just how i work i guess. it's easier to curse myself, and pretend that 
i'm talking about someone else. 
i'm so mad with myself right now. i don't want to be here, tonight, or tomorrow.
maybe ever?
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i'm so messed up right now. i am in shock, and i'm confused, so fucking lost.
i've got an idea. that i will make my future. but i've gotta clear this head full

of doubt. i can't let it bother me. it's no worth it, if it causes this much worry 
and stress. a huge fuck you to the both of you all the same. i don't need either of
you. but yet, i can't just stop thinking about you. is there any reason?
to keep fighting with myself? every night.  it's the same garbage.
and i hate drugs, but i wanna be so fucked up right now. that i can't feel my head
smashing into the window. i want to be blind. just for a night. so i don't have 

to see the mess i have created around myself.
why do you both deserve a fuck you? what have you done to me? i've done it all to 
myself. it's all the paranoia. i need to be stuck in the corner somewhere, where 
nothing important can get to me. where i can't get attached to anyone or anything.

maybe my life is just best left to go it alone. sure i'm lonely. but it's because
i am stuck. right now i am stuck. i have a responsibility. if i was here doing nothing,
i wouldn't feel lonely, or trapped.
but i must ask myself, why do i pour myself on the ground for someone else,
and then lose my mind when they don't respond in the same way?
why should i expect someone else to do the same, to show me who they really are,
just because i trust people so quickly? fuck. i wish for once i could just say no.
and stop being walked over. the ball needs to me in my court. or i need to find
a new playing field. because i am sick of being the bench warmer of life.
i get so confident, until i need to be. then it's all down hill, down the drain,
like it was never there. never to be found again.
you do that too me. you make me so excited, that i lose my mind when you're not
around.and no one needs somebody like that in their life.
fuck i just want to help you, and share all these things we've talked about.
BUT it's wrong. in every way of the word. i don't think we should be friends,
at all anymore. because i'm fucking up my head over you. i'm too attached to you,
and i know i'll just hurt you in the end. that's what i do best, let people down
and make them feel terrible. even though i give them my heart and soul.
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
i don't think i can stop right now. i wanna drive a car into a building. i wanna 
burn down a church. i want to spray paint over a master piece. i want to break my 
bones. i need to destroy something beautiful. i need to feel alive.
i am on over drive right now. it's not right. it's wrong.
just like you. this is wrong. i need to stop it now.

i need to leave, and never look back. and just go it alone from here on out.
it doesn't take much to get under my skin. and i want you out of my head.
tonight.it's over, as of tonight. so nice to know you and all, but this just isn't
fair for anyone involved. for anyone who isn't involved. for anyone ever ever ever.
sorry if this hurts, but it's better to get it out of the way now, while we still
can. 

is this the end, or just the start, of something beautiful.

You will probably encounter a bit of opposition along with today's planetary energies, %. Even those who are usually right behind you will seem uncooperative. Try not to let this faze you too much. Resolve to follow your own instincts and work alone if need be. Once you've had a chance to advance your ideas further along on your own, you can present them again.

well horoscope, you're fucking up my good mood for sure.
i had an awesome, deadly, wonderful time last night. i loved it and felt on top of the world.
but i really don't want to ramble about it right now. when i woke up, i wanted everyone to know how happy i was feeling.
now, i feel terrible.

i don't want to. today seems like my mood can change at the drop of a hat.
i feel like an idiot right now, this morning i was happy, 10 minutes ago i was giddy, then i was angry.
i wish i could just stay in one mood, with one train of thought. the trains are really going off the tracks today.
and i don't have anyone to talk to right now, i feel that my petty problems don't deserve the attention that their petty problems do.

Petty Problems - Defiance, Ohio

" In Columbus they were shopping on the first day, the first official day of war. It's so easy being oblivious, and it's easy being self-absorbed inside of 80 different stores and coffee shops. The whole world's not like yours. There are many kinds of problems, not all of them are like yours or mine. But I forget that all the time.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad.
Our petty problems we add them up and we dwell on them half of the day. Our petty problem we add them up and they always get in the way. Our petty problems, so American. So caught up in our own little worlds.
Oh drama, are you all in my head? My problems aren't really all that bad. So distracted by the things that I don't have. How sad. How Sad. "

my feelings exactly.
also, i'm listening to a musically terrible song. but the lyrics are clicking right into place with my day.
i wish i would stop writing songs about how i feel, and what i think and actually be able to express these thoughts to people. but no, i can't. i am afraid of any and every reaction from people to my thoughts. so i write songs and poems, with metaphors, as distractions from the truth that is in between the lines.
i don't want to say it, but i need somebody. anybody. to just reach into my head, and find it all, and not hurt me or hate me for any of it.
but i don't want to bother anyone with that.
and i already have! i'm hating on myself hardcore for it. i feel pathetic, immature, stupid, desperate. DESPERATE.
i need something, that no one in this life can give me. and i don't even know what it is, happiness, love, attention, affection, trust ? i have those things in my life, so that can't be it. i don't know what it is, it's driving me crazy.

Dear self, why do you do these things? Get in so deep, get so connected to another person, that may or may not even see the connection you are so focused on? Then self, you have to destroy it. End the connection, because you are so afraid. Why self, do you let people in then freak out once they begin to understand you? How self, is it that you have such destructive tendencies? Self, why don't you believe you deserve anything good in this life? Self, why do you do you create a world of confusion and saddness in your life? Oh self, please just start caring about her, when I say her, I mean you, I mean me.

is that why i have a panic attack when someone can't help me, because i wont ever straight out tell them what is wrong? i need to answer those questions in my life, or i will self-destruct. i've been my own worst enemy my whole life.
i've got so much more to say.
this is only part 1 of trying to stop one side of be from tearing down the other side.

don't even wanna

they're all the same i guess,
men that is.
it's easy to lie to me. i hide my outrage and just plain rotted feeling pretty well.
i can't stop writing lately. i've got soo much inspiration since i've moved up here. and there are lots of interesting things going on here. it's true, the city never sleeps. i used to be the one that didn't let the city sleep. but this place has people moving around, constantly.
i don't want to be stressed out. i still haven't found a healthy way to get rid of the worry, and stress and bullshit going on inside and around me.
i feel ill. and i miss everyone in newfoundland, such an island girl. i'm tellin ya......!


i need a shower, i guess. and it's raining. maybe i'll just go dance in a puddle, and play in traffic!
fuck that makes me miss tori, even more. fuck! i miss when we'd slash around in puddles, and play in traffic.
we had a system down. the way we played if one of us got hit, the other would end up getting dragged behind the car. soo hardcore we were hahaha.
fearless of life itself, but terrified of spiders and birds.
such girls, such girls.
i miss you asshole.
♥

oh baby, baby it's a wild world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edE3cEhM0Mg

le sigh.
i knew what was going to happen today, i knew last night.
i had a mental breakdown. i lost it today. my head fell off, and my thoughts, worries, fears, hopes, dreams, everything that was locked up spilled across the floor.
i had to leave school.which i really did not want to do.
i'm not going into detail with what happened, or why it happened.
but i'm happy it did. it gave me a day to think about everything in my head.
get a better perspective on this wild world. i will concur you someday world.
i will see all of you, every last inch, i promise me and you that.

i'm thinking like a phoenix, i will crash and burn, and i will rise from the ashes.
better off for it too.
i've got a lot to figure out. baby steps. one foot in front of the other. i'm gonna slip, and fall, and get hurt. it will be worth it, when i can go to sleep at night, and not wake up hating myself.

self worth issues ?

confused, lost, alone, distraught ?
yes, no , maybe.
frustration will probably be the main focus of this entry.
actually i am so frustrated that i can't write anything right now, it will just cause more aggravation.

i wish i was in newfoundland right now, fucking hurricane 

hbdb

i'm feeling very loose headed. if that's away to say it. my mood is so different from one day prior. i don't know, it's a strange feeling. it's just, strange. i feel so happy, content, crazy good. is it because i've found someone i can talk to about just about everything, out of nowhere. i really can't describe it. i'm so tired, but so hyper at the same time. i'm a little nervous about tomorrow, but i'm excited to. i don't the girly thing, and when i do, it's with very close small group of people who know how to button it haha. but i'm going to have too look nice-ish tomorrow. i don't know if i can do that. fuck why am i being such a ramble monster. i am feeling great about what i accomplished tonight. two intense writings, out of nowhere. i was having such a dry spell.
:D
thank you birthday boy. hope it's a great one, you've become such an awesome friend.
p.s. i feel crazy.

cheers

wander lust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jrIwrkA8ag

things are starting to look up, its awesome.
dealing with someone who only wants to show you the negatives, is a fucking buzzkill. yes, i get it. i understand. you've had to deal with shitty people, but you don't need to drag me down. i got a new makeup teacher today. i don't want to say anything bad about the last one, but everything she said i've known, for a long long time. working on and behind the stage gave me a wide eye for great people and the assholes. but having to hear about it for 3 days straight was brutal. i just wanted to get hammered and forget about it...
then justin came in, and the room felt 105 times lighter. people were smiling and i didn't want to smash my head off the wall. it wasn't her that was That bad, but being there made me feel like that.
so things are once again looking up. i've made some new friends and were spending tomorrow get to known eachother better with the help of alcohol ( ofcourse ) .
that's about all i've got today. i hate nose bleeds aswell.
i'm feeling alot better that i don't have to change who i am for this. because there is no fucking way i can change who i am for anyone else. spend too many years playing that game.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education   - mark twain

600 comments

not much to say, i'll update the world tomorrow.
i did not know i could do anything with hair besides dye jobs and spiking mohawks.
school is going great and it's only day three tomorrow.

 it really doesn't feel like work when your enjoying yourself.

thats all for now chumbs.

i love mitch, josee & brody, i also miss you guys a shitton.

cheers

school of makeup art

                                                                                                                                  
i want to live in the beer store down the street.
< can't wait to bring some of these bad boys home
<
<
<
<

      today, i started class at the school of makeup art (soma) http://www.schoolofmakeupart.com/
it was only introduction day, so i met every one, got a brush kit and a locker. only there for a few hours, but the real fun starts tomorrow. excited as ballz, and feeling way less nervous about the strange faces and skyscrapers and millions of strarbucks'.

i walked down to the subway to make my way "home" saw EAST BOUND trains and hopped right on. then it sunk it, ahhh shit i live in the west end... luckily there are a billion stations with subways coming everything 3 mins. got off the east bound and jumped on the west. i didn't feel too much like an idiot cause everyone moves around so fast in there i don't say anyone notice.
feeling great about this jungle now that i've been out around on my own.
last night i went out with alona and her roomate to jack asters. fuckin place is tastey. double rum & coke, some calamari (squid) and a chicken tortilla. it was awesome.


that's all for now folks.

first day alone

this is my first day alone here in the concrete jungle. found a bar called sneaky dees, and figured out there was a show there last night... but i had alot of shit to tend to at 6am. blurrrrrrrr
starting at the school of makeup art ; special fx makeup, tomorrow. a little nervous, and excited, and too sober.
i hate feeling pressure, and being worried, makes me wanna vomit.! fukit. i'm here to get something going in my life for once, start the ball rollling.
i want it to be october already. sloane & rhyen are coming for halloween, and ethan's moving up here. it's gonna be an awesome time. i've got a few friends here, but i'm not doing too good at this public transit thing. i can get to school & back, made it to the beer store and walmart a few times already, but that's about it.
i don't know how i feel about this place yet, i've only been here a few days. it freaks me out a bit, all the people and all the moving. so fucking fast paced, walmart gives me major anxiety. that's strange though, because i've been at shows & concerts with hundreds even thousands of people and i'm completely fine. maybe it's the music and the crowd that get my energy going so hard that i can loose it and jump around, or just walk and feel awesome. who knows.
i'm off to find a park to read dharma punx in.

cheers too beers & many more years.

BUFFALO !